October 05- RaJu Resides Across the Universe

vet bills, adam's cancelled trip to new york, my return...the stress of not knowing what to do...or what she wants us to do. seeing her eyes so weak and vulnerable. it has been a tough few days so far. raju's condition worsened so quickly. they've drained fluid from her lungs and are trying to get her to keep food down. we are trying steroids until we get the biopsy results back. i have asked to bring her home at night to sleep with us, but the need to put her out of her pain happened faster than we thought. how to beg for a cat's forgiveness? i layed before her in deepest humility.

raju is a beautifully unusual cat. she loves to talk (you can really get her going), likes to hang out when people are over (she would have a beer in her hand if she could), enjoys the heater, growls at the mailman, loves to sleep on top of new things and us, greets adam at the door everyday when he comes home, snores, squashes me in bed, likes to sniff take out food, does the machine gun and swing trick with adam for mommy's entertainment, tries to understand english, likes it when i sing to her. she enjoys laying on my belly until we breath in unison. she is so feisty but so tender. she's so smart but still likes to ride in bags.

One of us will die inside these arms. Eyes wide open, naked as we came. One will spread our ashes 'round the yard...

i visited her for a couple hours after the biopsy was performed. i couldn't get her to purr until i placed her on my chest and she fell asleep. i told her stories about who she was in our lives, i apologized for silly things like dropping my dirty clothes on her when she was asleep in the laundry basket, i reminded her of what she liked to do and how i adopted her. we talked about how adam is the best cat dad on the planet. she is such a presence in our home that her absence is a giant hole. this is the pain of loving another being, regardless of what form they are in. the pain reserved into a specific part of our bodies where it hurts only when we say goodbye. there is an undetectable organ there that holds that sadness and the sickness that comes from feeling helpless. the anger directed at no where. a giant reminder that we'll say goodbye to ourselves someday too. that things so innocent and beautiful vanish in a moment. how to live in this cycle? adam says we are brush strokes in a large elaborate painting. that there is no beginning or end, just the presence of color. your color. your stroke. it's all worth it...to love someone so completely...it's all so fucking worth it.

we visited her again in the morning...both mommy and daddy. she was still so weak but began purring when she saw us together. raju's favorite time around the house is when adam and i are together in the same room doing anything. she liked the combination. i think she understood that we all loved each other. that we are a family. there are only a select few that we choose to see us in all our rawness...raju was one of them. the guardian of me in ways i didn't know. right when our furry friends walk into a room...they elicit love. so strong they stay for us. and that's why i named her after RK Narayan's character in The Guide. such a trickster, but an angel underneath.

our goodbye baby. she purred and pushed her claws into my hands one last time as i whispered into her ear and prayed that there is a god. thank you for reminding me of innocence, of goodness and of hope. for sitting in the window when we came home, you little friend.

since pictures have been my way to remember...to heal...this was raju

I like to see the dust particles

In the sunlight

From our bed

The glistening speckles

They take shape

In my head

I try to catch a glimpse of you

As the light reflects their passing by

But it's too hard to tell

The tears blind my eyes

So it seems that things come to an end

But we open and close doors

Breaks in our path we mend

But I shall look for you

In the snowflakes so much larger

For i am close behind you

And though your name

May come to my tongue less

And your presence i remember

Only in the days i've chosen

I have screamed your name today

So that it will echo back to me

The day you return into my arms to rest and all is frozen